Protect and Serve
Going into this season like a blank canvas. Not beholden, not trying to complete, come back, survive, justify… just living my life on my terms, as I am.
Exile
It made little sense to stay with my obsessions the way I did for so long under such circumstances. Yet, if I hadn’t, I would not be here now.
There is letting go, and sometimes letting go is also holding on, but not with attachment, with what is. And so I did. It was not without conflict, but it was with presence.
Long term chronic illness exiles one from the world. When one is exiled, one no longer belongs to society. Therefore, one no longer survives by the rules of society.
Living by my own rules for a long time means I have my own view of reality. At this time, I find myself re integrating, yet still existing in my own view. It’s an interesting observation.
X Marks the Spot
Surrendering to disability was giving up the war. I was too wounded. I couldn’t go on. I had to stop. I had to find another way to live, to resist.
It was extraordinarily painful and devastating. To retreat. To live to fight another day. To let go. To stop protecting. To say, you’re on your own now I can’t do this alone anymore. And watch them fall or rather realize they had fallen long ago and it was me in my delusion thinking we still had a chance.
So I had to accept reality as it was and be willing to meet my path there.
I had to find a peaceful way and I realized that the fight itself was a kind of trap if one is not careful.
Resistance is complex and multifaceted. Stillness has power and patience has wisdom. And then, there is clarity and purpose when it is time again to act.
“You are so far ahead of the game,” he said.
I was remembering this image of the coastline the other day and wondered which roll it was from. Stumbled upon it this morning.
I am capable of many things, however, disability has limited my activity considerably. So, I have been exploring the use of my mind without so much dependency on my body for creativity.
This has yielded significant insight and liberation.
I’d heard that statement before many times throughout my life, about being ahead of the game. It’s not particularly advantageous to the playing of the game, but the game doesn’t particularly interest me, so I suppose it may not matter.
I have studied the game as a matter of necessity and have managed to win a few rounds more or less, so I get the gist.
I thought that if people were to take me seriously I should have to prove that I could play the game well if I were to convince them of leaving it. Otherwise I would sound naive and idealistic, as I was accused of at times.
These things began so long ago when I was very young, so it is interesting to me to look back and see how they have played out in my life and why I have done things in the way that I have.
In thinking about what goals I might have for this coming year, I wonder if it is finally time to return after all this time to where it all began. Not so much literally, but intentionally.
“Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty – his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.”
– Aldous Huxley
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